Violence

Are you okay?

That's a strange question isn't it?

How do you answer a question like that?  Do you tell the truth.  Even if it is awkward or uncomfortable?  Do you fake it?  And what exactly is okay?  Okay compared to what?

All of my life if I wasn't bleeding or dying I thought that the answer had to be yes.

I don't think that way any more.

And really, I don't know if I can really say that the answer to that question has ever been yes since the passing of my mother.

Right now, I am not okay.

I am broken and wounded.  I came unraveled and haven't gotten myself sorted yet.

My son is a passionate and intense young man.  He is thoughtful and sensitive.  He also has a temper.  When he was a toddler he would have outbursts of anger and would say things he believed would be hurtful.

I explained to him that when we use word to hurt people, it's like punching them in the face, only with words instead of our hand.  I don't believe it is oversimplifying at all to say that we can punch people in the face with words.  Sometimes it is with the words we say.  Sometimes it is with words we don't say.

I am really tired of being punched in the face.  I am really tired of taking shit from people.  My mother took shit from people.  She also had an explosive temper.  Just like my son.  Just like me.

I had a violent childhood.  That scared, bullied kid is still here.  Violence was so much a part of my life that I eventually became violent.  I used violence to stop violence.  Sometimes I was just violent.