Demons

Demons.  They exist.

I have them in my head.  Some will go away if you ignore them.  Some are tougher to battle and defeat.

The sneaky bastards are shape shifters.  Sometimes they are a small voice.  Sometimes they almost squeeze you out of your own brain.  They distort truth and reality so much, so often, in so many ways it can be easy to lose touch with the real world.  It gets scary.

It is a terrifying sensation to feel your mind working against your own best interest.  This is the nature of my mental health issues.

I spent many years trying to let go, overcome, forget, forgive, ignore, or suppress my demons.  I was wound up pretty tight but I was making some headway.  I was feeling confident about most everything.  Then it all started to unravel.  I started to unravel.

I was blindsided with a reminder of past experiences.  I was provoked to anger and rage, unintentionally, by a well meaning relative.  It tapped into some deeply suppressed feelings I thought I had dealt with.  I was laid off.  I had to quit school and the pursuit of a degree, something that I had wanted and sought after for a long period of time.  I lost my faith.  One of my children was hospitalized with a life threatening illness.  Our strained marriage was pushed past the breaking point.  I had an increasingly harder time holding down a job.  Then I had a breakdown.  Then the last straw broke and my marriage ended.  It wasn't really her fault any more than it was mine.  We were both taken by surprise, though for different reasons.  For me it got a lot worse before it got better.

Mental health issues are ongoing.

I met someone.  we have pretty much been together ever sense, in some form or another.  In word, thought and deed, she is so different I often, affectionately point out to her what a freak she is.  Having some one who understands, loves me any way and encourages me makes a difference.

It is simple and easy to think that a man twice divorced does not take wedding vows seriously.  In my case that is not necessarily true.

I got married the first time when I was 19.  That story will come in a future post.  I came home one day and our apartment was empty.  She was just leaving but I noticed that she had replaced my ring with her new lovers ring.

The previous post pretty much contains everything I will say about the second marriage, in regards to her.  But I had said 'till death do we part' and I meant that.  I was broken.  I had lost hope in an intervening god and the marriage was broken.  The marriage had been sustained, for my part by hope and prayer for many years.  I was preparing to end my life.

One night, after everyone else was sound asleep I went out to the car, set everything up run the exhaust into the inside of the car and ensure that there was a good air seal.  I sat down in the driver seat with pen and paper, put the key in the ignition but then hesitated.  I sat there for some time running everything through my mind and eventually realized I couldn't follow through with it.  I would not willing miss out on my children's lives.

I had to figure things out.  I had to find a new reason to live.  A new way to stay alive.  At first I thought I would live for my children, but that puts an unfair burden on them and I couldn't do that to them.

And the end of your life, what ever you did, whatever you didn't do, it's on you.  Each of us are responsible our lives.  There are people are not dead, but they are not really living either.  I was one of them.  I was filling up my time waiting for death to come and getting a little bit impatient.

For me, the first thing I needed to do if I was really going to live my life was resolve my marital issues.  She was unwilling to go to counseling then.  Then the ultimatums came and so I called her bluff.  I chose the what else and wouldn't back down.  She did not believe I would call her bluff.  Then she believed that I would cave in.  That is not how it went.

Ending the marriage did not slay my demons.  In some ways it fed them.  But now I am living my life on my terms.  I make decisions and I am able and willing to accept responsibility for each choice.  I thought it would be possible to end my marriage without costing me my relationship with my children.  I was wrong.  But for everything that has happened and all that I have endured I have not and do not have one iota of doubt or regret about that decision.  I chronically second guess myself over nearly everything, but not that.

I am still battling demons.  I thought I would have to do that on my own, but I am so happy that I was wrong about that.  My beloved is always with me, helping me and encouraging me.