Shift

In a previous relationship, the last one before I left Texas, the relationship had devolved to mostly fighting.  One day we were in one of our longer more intense arguments.  I was methodically laying out my grievances against her and with each point that I tried to make the argument would spin off in a different direction on a different tangent.  After some time she began to see the points I was making and began to understand what I was saying in a new way.  Then, startled with a new view, she looked at me and said "OH MY GOD!  I AM NOT INNOCENT!"

Twenty years after the fact, I still find that statement quite remarkable.  We had been together for almost two years, we went through some tough times, and the whole time she had been thinking she was completely innocent of any wrong doing.  It hadn't occurred to me that anyone could be that delusional. 

It was a very turbulent time and I was going through some very painful life lessons.  I had a lot to learn.  I still do.  But I have learned that there are a whole lot of people walking around sincerely thinking they don't ever do anything wrong.

For my part, I have come to understand that there is a difference between guilt and wrong and innocence and right.  But I have also come to understand that this binary view is inappropriate for most peoples relationships and situations.  I have no delusions about being right or innocent.  I claim neither, not in that instance in which I was fighting with my girlfriend, not in my recent divorce.  At this point I really try not to think about people and situations in such terms, it doesn't help anyone achieve anything positive or constructive.

Most people begin and end with themselves, what they like, what they want.  Right/wrong, guilt/innocence automatically puts most people on the defensive, which means they aren't listening very well.  

Right / Wrong and Guilt / innocence are appropriate for math exams and a court of law.  Most other places it's really counterproductive.

I also wont argue with people.  Most things are not worth arguing about.  But what does arguing accomplish anyway?  It puts people on the defensive which means you will have a harder time making an agreeable point.

If someone starts talking to me I will do my best to listen and I will listen for as long as I am able.  Listening to people who have something to say is one of the most important and loving things we can do for another person.  If something is said that I disagree with, and my thoughts are solicited by the person speaking I will give my view, I will give the reasons for holding that view and then I am done.  On occasion, if the subject is important enough and it is someone I feel close to I will engage in a calm, rational debate of facts and rational ideas.

Experiences, some of them painful, has taught me that this is the best way to interact with others.  I really do enjoy when someone disagrees with me and we have a rational debate.  In such cases there is often something else that I had not considered, some potential caveat that I had not seen.  If they make a good case I will usually change my mind or moderate my opinions or I end up learning something.  In any case I am better for the exchange.