Who?

My name is Richard.  I'm from Galveston.

I told you that already in the previous post.

So who am I?

There are all kinds of ways to answer a question like that.  Most answers to a question like that depend on context.  I am the sort that is not as limited by context of time and place the way most 'normal' people are.  But then 'normal' isn't usually one of the words people who know me would use to describe me.

"Who am I?" has almost always been a deep philosophical question for me.  I haven't ever had a good answer.  Certainly not one that is concise.

I am Richard. I am a Libra.  I was born at John Sealy Hospital on a Wednesday in the fall of 1971. I like to run, hike, and ride bikes.  I am a carpenter.  I have three children. My favorite color is blue. I love food and music, almost without limitation or exception.  I'm 5'9" and 175 pounds. I am twice divorced, a father of three. I am a former drug user and I have significant mental health issues.  I am a survivor of child hood trauma that included physical and sexual abuse.

You still don't know me.  I am not known to you.  There is a good chance I just said something that makes you want to stop reading.

We have a fundamental need as humans to be known.  We need to have witnesses to our life like we need a well balanced diet and sunshine.  We could live without these things but it would be a diminished life. I don't need you to like me or agree with me, but I do need to be heard and understood.

I usually like when people disagree with me if it leads to an intelligent and rational discussion.  I actually got in an argument on the internet once and as a result changed my mind.  I strive to always be open to learning something new.

I have sought after wisdom as an atheist, as a 'seeker', as a Christian, as a student of various philosophies.  I have come very close to becoming Islamic and Buddhist.  I have poured through religious texts seeking answers, seeking hope, peace and healing.  I have found good and useful insight in each system of belief but also voids that depend on me ignoring the voids for that system to be sustained.  I won't say any of them are wrong.  I won't say any are right.  None of them hold a complete grasp of 'truth'.

This is important for you to know about me because in my experience one's religious / philosophical disposition or lack there of is the single biggest component of one's identity.  In my case, most of the stories of my life are intertwined with movement in my disposition on this subject.

I was born into a Catholic family.  I was baptized as an infant.  Shortly before I turned two years old my mother decided that we were Pentecostal. As a result there was a two year rift with my fraternal family.  My maternal family members had either passed away or drifted away and were mostly non-existent in our lives.

As I became self-aware, being Pentecostal became an integral part of my identity as a child.  As a child grows they learn their name and a few words.  They learn their family name.  Being Pentecostal was just as much a part of my identity as my name and family name.  It framed what I saw my self growing to become.  At age five I "spoke in tongues" and was baptized.  In the Pentecostal church one is not truly 'saved' till they 'spoke in tongues' and was baptized.  I remember my mother was immensely proud and pleased with me.

When I was seven, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  Over the next two years I would see her suffer and shrivel until she passed away from this life and away from me.

The turbulence that ensued has daunted me for the majority of my life.  The tragedy of the loss of my mother was the first of far too many to come.