I have mentioned in a previous post that my father would go several days in a row without being seen. My brother was a teenager, without my mother or father around, there wasn't a lot of accountability for his time. He was mostly gone, when he was at home it was usually to make sure I was doing okay. My sister was living with other families most of the time. The result was that I was home, by myself a lot of the time.
For my part that mostly meant I watched what ever I wanted on TV if I wasn't out riding my bike. Safety was not a big concern for any of us. Either for a lack of concern or negligence our front door was unlocked much of the time. Like my brother and father, I mostly came and went at will.
One day I came home and found an older teenage boy in my living room. I had seen him around, his house was at the end of the block. His younger brother was in the same grade at the same school. I was stunned, and didn't know what to say. I just stood there staring at him, wondering why in the world he was in my living room. He undid the buckle of his pants and began to unzip his pants. He said "listen, I know you're gay because you go to school with my little brother and he told me. He told me you suck dicks in the bathroom. I want you to suck my dick." I insisted I didn't. In reality I was scarcely beginning to understand the mechanics of sexual interaction and certainly had no inclination to become active. I was only ten years old.
I shook my head no and stuttered, as I turned to run he grabbed me by the hair, then the collar and jerked me back, throwing me on the floor. Before I could react I felt the weight of his body slam down on top of me knocking the breath out of me. He was more than twice my size. He kept saying "It's cool man. Just be cool okay?" His breath smelled awful. He put one hand between my shoulder blades and was pushing down. He was so heavy, I could squirm but could not get free. His left hand kept tugging at my pants.
My body was on fire and at the same time was cold and tingling, it was as if the heat was so intense it became cold. I was enraged, I was terrified, I was weak and helpless. The sound of everything became intensely loud. Then there was nothing. I heard nothing. The hard lines of the room and the furniture around me, the leg of the chair inches from my face, it all darkened and the lines became hazy. Everything began to blend together, light, sound, shape, pain, fear all melted into one blob. The weight and the pushing on top of me and the floor beneath me was all the same thing. I was just there in the blob. Time stopped. Eventually the pushing stopped. The weight lifted. The blob was changed but still I was there inside the blob. light faded from the room, I stayed there waiting for someone to come and ask some kind of question. No one came home. Eventually I got up.
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