Not every post will be in chronological order. This post jumps way ahead to the present day. My life, my story, my prerogative. I hope that you will not be put off by this.
The next post in the story following the time line I began with is difficult to write and I need more time to finish it.
Additionally, the content of this post weighs more on my mind at this time and I want to put this 'out there' so that I might, hopefully move forward.
I went through a divorce last year. It was much uglier and nastier than it really needed to be; But I can be unbelievably and ridiculously foolish and naive. Such was the case with this divorce. Sadly, as is always the case, the children suffered the most.
None of my children will speak to me or see me. It is hard for me to understand how after pouring so much of my time and energy into them they could go so long not wanting to see or hear from me.
Father's day is coming up and I will not see or hear from my children.
I have always tried to be accountable to my children as a parent. When it was pointed out or I realized that I made a mistake, I went to them with a confession and an apology. I tried earnestly to not repeat my mistakes.
At no point, not to anyone, have I ever made the claim or implication that I was innocent or without fault for the failure of my marriage. My guilt doesn't prove her innocence.
Long story short; I was not the husband she wanted or needed. She was not the wife I wanted or needed. It had been that way for most of the 17 years we were married.
The breaking point was the ultimatums. You see, I am the sort of person that if pushed, would maybe shoot myself in the foot to spite you when it comes to ultimatums. Prior to the beginning of our relationship, she witnessed the end of my previous relationship because of an ultimatum.
An ultimatum is in effect saying 'your thoughts and feelings are of so little importance to me, you are of so little importance to me, that if you don't do what I want I will throw you and this relationship away.'
If you give me an ultimatum, you can only lose.
My son gave me an ultimatum, with truly impossible and ridiculous conditions. He now uses that as a justification for not having any contact with me.
I was not ever informed why my daughters broke off communications and contact with me.
Each of them at separate times, unaware of what their siblings had said, told me about things their mother and others from the church said about me. Most of which is a creatively, selective, and contorted version of the truth. I have sufficient reason to believe that they are actively discouraged from having contact with me.
Children are impressionable and as time has passed, my son has contradicted himself. Accusations he once made against his mother he now makes against me. There is perhaps some truth in both variations but as words are spewed, the truth is lost and wounds are inflicted.
I was harsh with my children. I was overbearing many times. I didn't shield them from my anger and frustration as I should have. I have been thoughtless and insensitive to them many times.
I miss my children. I love them dearly. I hope we will overcome our wounds.
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